This is what I know
Death comes for us all, eventually.
We all know this. But it doesn’t make it any easier to lose someone.
When I was 8, my father died in a car accident. He was killed by a drunk driver on New Year’s Eve. I don’t remember much from that time, other than writing “I love you daddy” on the funeral home’s business card and putting it in the casket with him at the funeral.
Since then, death has been close to me on many occasions. A friend in 8th grade committed suicide. The summer before 9th grade, my brother-in-law died after surgery. Then in late 2017, my sister died in her sleep. Six months later, my brother died from cirrhosis of the liver. The next month, my mother died from dementia. To top it off, my dog of 12 years had to be put down unexpectedly. Needless to say, that was a brutal six months. Then in 2020, my mother-in-law died. Although she hadn’t been in good health for a few years, her death was unexpected—and she hadn’t made any estate plans.
Through all of that, I felt mostly numb. Just going through the motions of handling arrangements. Except for my sister, who was married, I had to handle everyone else’s arrangements myself. My grandfather had purchased my mom’s plot, so that one was relatively simple—I just had to get her to Kentucky and buy a casket. But my brother was a different experience entirely. He spent three months in the hospital and didn’t have a living will. I was the only one who could make decisions for him. It was torture. Would he want a feeding tube? Experimental medicine? When do we call hospice? I was in a constant state of anxiety, just trying to do right by him.
When he died, I guessed that he would want to be cremated and have his ashes spread in the ocean. So that’s what we did.
No one wants to talk about death. But I’m here to tell you—it’s a very necessary conversation. You need to get your affairs in order so that the burden isn’t left on your loved ones. They will already be in a stressed, emotional state. The last thing they need is to make big decisions they’re unsure about. Do you want to be buried? Cremated? Placed in a mausoleum? Buried at sea? There are so many options now, and if you don’t make those choices ahead of time, someone else will have to guess for you.
Having your wishes laid out clearly for your loved ones is one of the kindest gifts you can leave behind. Trust me on this.
When I was in the thick of these losses, my friend Jackie—who works in the funeral industry—was a lifesaver. Each time I got the call, I called her next. She helped arrange the flight to Kentucky for my mom, got my brother’s body to the crematorium, and made sure everything was handled. Her support was invaluable.
At one point, I even worked in the funeral industry myself. That experience, paired with everything I’ve lived through, made it clear to me: everyone should pre-plan if they can. If you can’t pay for it, at least plan for it by recording your wishes with a living will and estate plan. You can do it pretty inexpensively online. Not only does it alleviate emotional stress, it makes sense financially, too.
So, even though I no longer work in the industry, I still want to encourage you:
Have the conversation. Make a plan.
And if you don’t know where to start or need a little help figuring it out, I’m happy to point you in the right direction.
Tomorrow isn’t promised.
XO,
Lory